I have been so down in the past month. I have been rejected for yet three more jobs. I have watched my husband and daughter get sick, and paced the floor wondering if they had H1N1. I've watched as clinics turn people away because they ran out of vaccine. I have watched a local election turn the townspeople against the governing body...and the governing body gasped, "we didn't know you all felt that way." (They never bothered to ask...just put it to a vote...and we screamed "NO!")

I've also lay awake nights wondering what I have done wrong. I've stared out into the rain and wondered how long I have. I've paced the floor wondering what more I can do.

The only thing keeping me going is the fact that my oldest blessing is coming here for Christmas. We will be a family again for the last five days of this year, and the first two of next year.

I guess I'll battle the suicide demon after the holidays...

Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday...hope you all have all of the joy you deserve. Hope for good things and blessings for all of you. Good Luck out there.

Peace and Love,

TJM 

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Those of you familiar with my blogs....may have noticed my absence.

I applied for a job I really wanted. It has been three weeks and I have heard nothing. I sat by the phone praying for it to ring. Nothing.

I got the flu. Everyone I know swore it was swine flu. No. My husband got it two days before I did and had to go out of town for work, sick. He had a difficult time out of town, and I did very poorly without him. He came home Thursday night and we are both feeling a little better now.

I have continued to apply for work. It seems I am re-writing my resume daily. I'm so tired of re-working it for each job...but that is the nature of the beast these days. I have to tailor myself to each and every job I am begging for. None of the jobs I applied for in the past month have been in the school system. I guess I will never get to do my dream job.

All of this has just had me down. I have not even been able to keep my housework up. I just sit and stare out the windows. What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? I graduated Magna Cum Laude! Why isn't that good enough? Is is because I am from somewhere else? What is it that I am doing wrong?

I know this sounds like a personal pitty party. I'm just tired of being adrift in life, while the rest of the world determines where and when and how I go.

I want to get out there and participate in the world...and I want the opportunity to earn the respect I deserve! I want to earn the pay I worked so hard for. I want my life back!

Who is with me?

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I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. I am awaiting a phone call about yet another job application. My Mother has been spreading rumors about me and my oldest daughter. My dog has been sick. I have new neighbors. I have gained too much weight and none of my jeans fit anymore. I think all of this has led to some of the strange dreams.

The other night was the worst. I actually peed the bed. I haven't done that since I was four. I woke up, and washed. Luckily, I woke up quickly and saved my bed from a flood. I have not told my husband. I'm embarrased. I was so ashamed, but so glad I didn't have to wake him to change the sheets and clean the mattress.

The dreams are bad, vivid, and realistic. I remember snippets during the day. I know I am waking up five or six times during the night because of them. My dad always said dreams are the brain's way of solving problems. Well, with brain dis-ease, does the occurence of bad dreams mean I am headed for a phychotic break, or a breakthrough?

My worst fear is ending up in a padded cell, in a straight jacket, catatonic, and doped to the gills. I don't like the idea of someone else getting to decide my fate because I can't mentally do it anymore. And I do not want to turn into my Mother. I keep telling myself they are just dreams...but are they?

I'm gonna be okay, I just have to figure this out. I like puzzles. Maybe my brain is just a big puzzle.

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My appartment complex has six units. For some time now only three units were occupied. We got new neighbors. Two units at once...two new families.

Both sets of new neighbors have kids near my daughters age. Both families seem really nice. Both families have pets.

The concept of new neighbors causes a stressful reaction. See, I have to go and meet these new strangers. That is not easy for a person like me. So, I fall back on my old habits...acting.

I'm not as good as Joey. I took drama all four years of high school. I directed, did make-up, built and painted sets...and (sigh) stood center stage and played a part or two. This is what came in handy in my everyday life. Whenever I felt slightly uncomfortable (for some reason it doesn't always work...) I got into character; I become who everyone thinks I am. I never got paid to act. It is sort of like lying. I don't like the idea of being fake...I'd rather be myself...but it is a safeguard.

So, in meeting and greeting the new tenants, I took a deep breathe and became my character. I went outside (dog in tow) and made nice. (It's like that network here...characters welcome.) I don't know that anyone noticed...but they had never met me before...how would they notice? The new tenants have children, which always makes it easier. I have been in a good mood because I applied for a good job today that will fully feed and nourish my altruistic nature. I played it well...the academy would award me.

I survived the meeting. If I play it right, they will never suspect a thing.

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Saturday was the much awaited concert. I took my daughter of 13. We had a good time. She thanked me repeatedly. I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have liked to; I have had a lot on my mind.

Sunday my husband felt ill. We both spent most of the day resting up from the show, watching football, and lounging.

Monday my husband had to stay home from work. He was very sick and slept most of the day. He needs a different job. His illness keeps his immune system busy and he can't fight what you and I can. I worried all day Monday.

Today I have had a bad day. I still haven't heard from the job I interviewed for, and I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Why am I not good enough? Why am I not worthy of gainful employment? Not to mention the fact that I am now sick as well...with the cold that hit my husband so hard. I feel awful, I am sad, and I want to cry.

My friend J, who suffers from her own set of chronic illnesses as well as depression, says I should stay positive. Can anyone tell me how to do that? I keep getting suggestions to move somewhere else (can't afford to move again,) go back to school (I'm still in debt for this degree,) and look elsewhere for work (even though teaching is my calling.) I guess this is when I go back to Gloria Steinem and read what she says. Sadly, I have yet to benefit from her advice as I was told I would.

I am trying so hard to keep a positive outlook; I keep looking for work. I'm going stir crazy. If only I could get paid to sit here and write these things...if only they were worth a paycheck.

Yes, I am having a bad day. We all have bad days. You will also have days where it seems life will never be better. That doesn't mean tomorrow will be the same. Maybe tomorrow the phone will ring. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better. Maybe tomorrow I will find a different job, one in which I am the only qualified applicant. Maybe I will win the lottery.

Maybe...is a pretty good word.

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STAGEPROMO sparked a thought in my head that I wanted to share with everyone. We are all more alike than we think...and that is a good thing.

You are not alone.

We all here are Eeyores or Chuckies. We are all scarred or sad or nervous. We all feel limitted by our brain dis-eases. But in truth, we are empowered, inspired, gifted! When we recover, we will have an edge on the rest of the world.

If you plant a flower seed, and keep it inside a greenhouse with no wind, perfect moisture, and a sterile climate...it will bloom. It will be beautiful, It will smell beautiful. But if you take that flower outside and plant it in your front yard, it will die. The wind will blow it over, the rains will pelt it, the cold will burn it as the sun.

We are the flowers that grew wild from the soil. We fell as seeds wherever we may. We grow and bloom where we fell. We suffer rain and wind and sun, and we pull through because we are stronger than the greenhouse flower. And we are all the more beautiful because of the struggles and strife we have endured.

Lots of people love Eeyore and Chuckie. Even those who are not sad or scarred. They love them because they are special. We are special. And we have strength in numbers.

I hope this makes you smile today.

Tags: Stagepromo

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I had a good day. I laughed a lot. I stayed inside all day waiting on the phone to ring; I am waiting to hear about a job. However, I sat here at the computer and e-mailed a few people, "played" on facebook, and talked to a few people on the phone(listening for call-waiting.)

I went to the restroom one time and found my cat asleep in the bathroom sink. I could not resist. I turned the water on. He continued to sleep for a full five minutes, meanwhile the water was rising around him. I was laughing so hard I was crying. When he finally awoke, he looked at the water running, yawned, and looked at it again. He never moved. I finally felt bad and picked him up and wrapped him in a towl. He didn't seem upset at all, just a little wet.

I am putting up a picture of him asleep in the sink. Feel free to laugh with me.

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So, I have been a fan of House since it started. I was familiar with Hugh Laurie's work on Black Adder, and found him to be an impressive actor. The show has been a Monday night staple in my home.

Last night was the season premier. House is put into a hospitol to recover from vicoden addiction, and is held over for treatment of his other issues. Now, I love puzzles, which is why I am such a fan of the show. This episode wasn't such a puzzle. If only life could be as easy as film and television. Everything is fixed up in a neat little package at the end of the show.

It did say good things about the idea of taking meds. There are a lot of us who don't like to take the meds. I think I am like the character of House, in that I think I will lose who I am on meds. However, I too want to get better. I want to be happy. I have always seen my senses about people as a good thing. I tell my husband that I would not trust it (my bad vibes I get about some people) if it had not been proven correct so many times. It is like it is a safety vest, an instinct that keeps me out of danger. Truth be told, when I have ignored it horrible things have happened to me. But life locked inside four walls is no life either.

The show went overboard with the catatonic woman speaking after being given the music box. Recovery is not a light switch. It isn't so easy. But I would agree that being doped to the gills is no recovery strategie either. It is a fine line and knowlegable doctors know the difference.

But there are medical professionals out there who are out to drain insurance companies and make a buck. But that is a subject for another blog.

We haven't come that far from One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest. I guess we have a lot to do.  

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I got an interview. An interview is the closest I have been to a job in four months. I can go back to work if I can just get through this interview. Wish me luck.

I am so very impressed with Joey P. Dude, going to Iraq and talking to those soldiers...what a wonderful person.

My roses are still blooming. I may post some pictures for all to see. It has taken up some time...these four months. I actually have to go outside to care for them...theropy.

I feel okay, I'm just nervous. I wasn't nervous at all until everyone I knew started telling me not to be. Funny how that works. It's like telling someone not to feel sorry for themselves...sometimes you are the only one who feels sorry...it isn't counter-productive...it's intuitive.

In fact, whenever you are feeling sorry, have yourself a nice long cry...a pitty-party as my Mother used to say. Then when you are all cried out, then and only then, think about how you can be better. This is how I do it. I accept the panic attack or episode or nervous feelings...I let them run through me and do all the damage they want to...then I breathe. Since I am always still breathing...I must be okay...there must not be too much damage. This is how I recover. The feelings may be extreme but they are still legitamite feelings. Drugs will make them less intense, and if I had medication I would take it. Just don't be ashamed of having feelings. Sorrow is real, and it is a feeling...not a monster. It doesn't make one "crazy" or "unbalanced" to have emotions.

Plus, remember, happy is there. You can have happy. It will come. Keep reaching for it. Recovery and happy are possible...believe it.

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